be me
buy plant
plant dies
skill issue

My microwave beeped twice.
Then once.
Then twice again.
It’s communicating

try cooking
smoke alarm activates
chef moment

My phone autocorrect changed “hello” to “help”.
not reassuring

My cat knocked something off the shelf, looked at me, and yawned.
power move

decide to exercise
do one push‑up
I have died

My PC froze, then unfroze, then froze again.
quantum computing achieved

try to fix squeaky door
door now screams
progress?

My alarm didn’t go off.
My existential dread did.
reliable

be me
open email
spam folder contains prophecies

My kettle made a noise I’ve never heard before.
I think it barked

decide to reorganize desk
move one item
instantly exhausted
desk wins

My headphones randomly played static.
>ghost.fm

be me
try to sleep
brain: “remember that embarrassing thing from 12 years ago”
thanks

My TV turned on by itself.
I didn’t even panic, I’m used to it

be me
drink energy drink
tastes like radioactive citrus

I swear my phone autocorrect is gaslighting me.
It changed “ok” to “I crave destruction.”